TEACHER AND STUDENT

Teacher: what does "maximum" mean?
Student: a very big mother
Teacher: what does "minimum" mean?
Student: a very small mother
Teacher: which is faster,hot or cold?
Student: hot, bcos you can catch cold
Teacher: what word grows smaller when u add two letters to it?
Student: add "er" to short and it becomes shorter.

the king is a clown.

The king is the first son of his late father.

King: anybody who makes ?v???? daughter ???? call M????? a clown would marry her.
Yoruba man: T???????? girl ?? love you pls tell your father that he is a clown.
Princess: God forbid.
Hausa man: kai nyarinya ?? love M????? flenty flenty, ?? get'am ??? honda civic, discussion quantinue, wailahi ?? call'am ??r your fafa is a clown, wailahi ?? give'am flenty flenty love da allah, money flenty flenty.
Princess: laughs inceasantly.. Then says “who is this one” abeg leave M????? joor.
Igbo boi: ?? don't love you princess no need ???? even try... You are a clown. Your father is a clown, your grandfather's first son is a clown. Nonsense.
Princess: (she provokes) see who is talking... ????t is you that is a clown. Now let M????? tell you, ?? am not a clown, ?v???? father is not a clown, you can call ?v???? grandfather's first son a clown cos ????t is him and U????? that is a clown.
King: WHAT?

A boy and a girl in a library

A boy and a girl in a very quite library,a boy was askin d girl out,d girl was replied,guy leave me alone(in a verylow voice) we re in library, as d boy was disturbing her 2much,(in angry)d girl shouted veryloudly 2him,leave me alone eeeeee,all the people in d library about to stare at d boy wen d boy replied wt loud voice,i wont leave u alone u ds demon inside ds girl,get out.in Jesus name,and all people shouted amen!! Lol!

Naked Lady in a taxi

TAXI MAN AND NAKED LADY
A naked lady ran into an Igbo
man's taxi. She told the driver
"Mr. Man, take me to Lagos. Fast Fast!"

The lgbo man didn't begin the car, he
was just staring at the girl up and down.

The LADY saw him
and said: "Mr. Man, You de craze? Wey ting be your own, 

so you never see woman wer de naked before ey? foolish man

Oya begin de drive!"

Igbo man replied: "Nah you be craze? Me i dey come wonder,

how you go fi pay me for dis journey you de com request!"

Oya, commut from my vehicle! Ashawo!"

fake-pastor

A man came 4rm a forgn country with his dog,very imprtant pet to him calld Bravo aftr a period of tme d dog died,d man was very angry nd decided to give d dog a befitn bural.so he went to a church in nigeria met a pastor nd said.''i came 4rm America with my dog to nigeria nd my dog died.the pastor flt so pity on him nd told him sorri he told d pastor he wnts d church to buri d dog.d pastr repld wit angr... ''my frnd dis church is nt 4 animals i mean dogs is 4 humans''d man answrd ,pastr i dnt kw hw u see d dog but to me its like a baby to me.the pastor got angry wit d young man told him to leav d office.the yung man told d pastr pls direct me to de church dat wil accpt me 4 25 thousndd dollars ,pastr repld young man wat did u say 25th dollars wat is evn wrong with u,y didn't u tell me dat ur dog was a christian i tut bravo was a muslem.....

Pastor and The congregation...

A man with Ak47 rifle ran into a Church and pointed the gun at the congregation saying
"Who is a child of God here,
"Let me send him to heaven"?
The congregation kept silent he then fired a shot in the roof.
The congregation shouted?
"its the pastor!
He always says that he is a child of God".
Pastor replied;
What kind of conspiracy is this? Everyone here knows that I am the son of Chukwudi and the grandson of Okeke,
So what is my business with God,
abeg if na play make una stop ham ooo!!!.

Lagos Police And A Pastor

On Lagos-Ibadan express road, when a Pastor met a team of policemen who, quite naturally, wanted 'something' from him. Since he was not prepared to play their games, they asked for his papers and having combed through everything without any offence with which to nail the 'stubborn' pastor, they now asked him to open the bonnet of his car.

A careful scrutiny of the engine number against what was on paper revealed that letter 'U' was written in such a way that it could be mistaken for letter 'V'. That was all the officer-in-charge needed to shout "stolen vehicle!"

Creation

God created the donkey and said to him, "You will be a donkey. You will work untiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."
The donkey answered, "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20."
God granted his wish.

God created the dog and said to him, "You will guard the house of Man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years. You will be a dog."
The dog answered, "Sir, to live 30 years is too much. Give me only 15."
God granted his wish.

Women Wahala

One day, a woman asked her son to call her husband to ask him what he wanted her to cook for dinner.After the sixth time the boy complained to his mother that a female voice was what he heard everytime he called and the lady would not let him speak to his dad. By the time the man got home that evening, his wife was fuming seriously.

Pop Quiz

Teacher: What is a Verb?
Peter: A Verb is a valve found in bicycle tyre.
Teacher: What are you saying?
Peter: It is a complete sentence sir.
Teacher: Are you mad?
Peter: It is a question sir. Teacher: Don't be stupid.
Peter: It is an advice sir.
Teacher: Stop that nonsense.
Peter: It is a command sir.
Teacher: You're an idiot.
Peter: It is an insult sir. Teacher: Get out of my class.
Peter: It is an order sir.
Teacher: Oh! Goodness, What a boy!
Peter: It is an exclamation sir.
Teacher: May God have mercy on you.
Peter: It is a prayer sir

Son In Law To Be

Father-In-Law : Young man, U’re coming to seek my daughter’s hand in marriage and u’re chewing gum.That’s a sign of disrespect! .
Man : Sir, I only chew gum when I drink or smoke. .
Father-In-Law : You mean u drink & smoke and u’re here to seek my daughter’s hand in marriage? .
Man : Sir I only drink & smoke when I go to the club.
Father-In-Law : U club too? .
Man : I’m sorry sir, I started clubbing when I came out of prison.
Father-In-Law : U’ve also been in prison before? Oh my God! .
Man : Sorry sir, I went to jail when I killed somebody!!. .
Father-In-Law : What!!! U’re a killer??? .
Man : Sir, It happened out of anger. It was a certain man that didn’t allow me to marry his daughter so I killed him. .
Father-In-Law : U are highly welcome my son. U are on the right track. U’re absolutely the right Man for my daughter. Do you need money to buy the engagement ring and the other things?

Calling Hell from Hell is a Local call

Three former leaders-from UK, USA and Nigeria went to hell. The first  leader asked the devil to allow him make a call to London to inquire about the country's welfare. He spent five minutes, Satan billed him $5M, the ex-USA leader also made a call and spent 8 minutes, the bill $8M. Then the ex-Nigerian leader called and spent 2hours. How much be my bill ? He asked Satan. $1 he replied. surprised, the former leader said but i stayed longer than them. Satan smiled saying; calling hell from hell is not expensive, it is a Local call.  

Jokes:Facebook Lairs

Abino met a girl on facebook, after introduction of each other
Abino: what is ur name?
Girl: Lovett
Abino: where do u work
Girl: I am a fashion designer. And u?
Abino: am a managing director, I have my own biz
Abino: ok that is good I like u so much, more than 2 sim china phones
Girl: mmmmhhhh dats lovely thanks
After few months as Abino was trying to open up gate for his master to go out he met the girl coming towards him shouting buy sweet bread and butter' on her head, they both germ each other face to face.
Abino: Ah! Ah!! ..is this ur shop
Girl: Ah! Ah!! Oloshi .... stupid Manager

water melons

One day 3 men were walking through the forest wen dey were caught by canibalz, d canibals told each man, to bring ten fruits of anykind nd swallow, before dey wud b releasd,nd not kild.d first man, came with an apple, he swallowed three nd startd coughing, he was kild,d second man came with grapes, he swallowed nine,wen he was abt 2 swallow d last 1, he started laughing, he was kild,so wen d 2 men reached heaven, d first man asked d secnd man,why did u laf wen u had almost swallowed all, d second man replied,i could not help it,wen i saw d thirst man coming wit watermelons. LOL

Jokes: Father's Occupation

(OMODAN CLASS)

OMODAN: today we will b treating career development, so each one of u will tell me where ur father' work

BOLA: Sir, My Dad, is a medical Doctor E work's in National Hospital Abuja

OMODAN: clap for Her, next person

ALI: sir, my dad, is a banker E works with Skye Bank

OMODAN: clap for him, next

SABISABI: bros, my papa na Bank too, E dey Work with Moon Bank.

OMODAN: clap for him,........

Teacher asked Akpos to recite the alphabet the following will shock you

  Teacher asked Akpos to recite the alphabet the following will shock you
A for-Adobe
B for-bluetooth
C for-chat
D for-download
E for-email
F for-facebook
G for-google
H for-hotmail
I for-iphone
J for-Java

Ekaite wanted her salary raised her madam asked wanted to know why

Ekaite wanted her salary raised 

her madam wanted 3 reasons why

she wanted an increment of salary.

Ekaite: I can cook Better than you?

Madam: who told you that

Ekaite: your husband told Me?

Madam: OK, second reason

Ekaite: I can iron Better than you

Madam: who told you that

Ekaite: Your husband told Me

Madam: OK, and the third reason?

Ekaite: I am also Better in bed

than you? This time madam was

furious & was getting ready to

Of course I am joking. Were you not the one that started it?

A Guy was called for an interview by Chevron based on his performance while working for Shell.

The Interviewer
Akpos asked; What is your current pay at Shell and what are you looking at with Chevron?

The Guy said; 9 Million Naira per annum plus medical and other benefits. Considering the position here in Chevron, I'd be looking at 20-22 Million Naira per annum, a status car, overseas vacation and medicals.

How would you describe me

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"