These are the most embarrassing things your parents did

YOUR parents did so many things right.

They gave you food, shelter, and an education. They showered you with undeserved birthday gifts, because you were the pride and joy of their lives, even when you were behaving like an entitled, self-centred donkey bottom. They spent years saving money for a holiday to Fiji, where you gratefully took the chance to play your GameBoy non-stop.

In other words, they put up with you as a child. But in return, you had to put up with them, and all the excruciating ways they embarrassed you.

1. PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF PLATONIC AFFECTION

A simple “goodbye” would have sufficed, but no. Mum or Dad — whoever happened to be on school drop-off duty — had to plant a wet kiss smack bang on your cheek every day, right in front of your smirking friends. Unnecessary mushiness is a common but unforgivable crime.

“Keep your damn distance.

2. PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF ATTEMPTED COOLNESS

Dads tell bad jokes. Mums dance like lunatics. Dads tell more bad jokes. Mums interrupt sleepovers with awful food. It has been this way for generations. But the more parents try to act like cool, hip young people, the more they make said cool, hip young people cringe.

This mum is closer to a hip replacement than she is to being hip. 

3. TERRIBLE HAIRCUTS

Your parents were in total control of your hair for years. When they weren’t brushing it into submission or loading it with product, they dragged you to fancy salons and told scary, chatty people with sharp instruments to lop off your luscious locks. So if you were a boy, you ended up with the dreaded bowl cut, and if you were a girl, you may very well have ended up with ... a slightly more feminine version of the dreaded bowl cut.

Behind the scenes footage from your childhood. Source: News Corp Australia

Before: dreamy. After: squeamy. 

4. ROMANTIC INTERFERENCE

First, they conspired with other parents in an effort to “set you up”. That was back in your pre-teen days, when the idea of their little prince(ss) having a special friend made them chortle. Later, when you were mired in the awkward teen romance phase, they switched to sabotage mode. This usually involved them telling your crush excruciating childhood stories: “You know, she used to eat her own snot all the time. Thought it was candy.”

“Mum! That is snot cool.” 

5. EVERYTHING RELATED TO SOCIAL MEDIA

Remember when your parents joined “the Facebook”? You were so proud of them. They were all grown up. But then they started commenting on your posts, saying things like “I hope you’re not responsible for all those empty beer bottles”, “Make sure you use protection” and “LOL”.

“The horror. Who could have foreseen the horror?”

6. MUM FASHION SENSE

It started as a small problem, when you were an equally small child: Mum thought you’d look adorable in one of those stupid sailor outfits. But the issue only snowballed from there, culminating in an endless, soul-sapping parade of cargo shorts and Hawaiian shirts.

Friends don’t let friends dress their children like this.

7. DAD FASHION SENSE

Young boys are dressed by their mothers (see above). Then they grow into young men, who follow the fashionable whims of their girlfriends. So by the time blokes reach the age at which they’re dressing themselves — dad age, in other words — they have no idea what to do. Pants rise towards armpits. T-shirts get tucked into trackies. It’s an inevitable, shameful display, and it permanently traumatises the whole family.

Ahh, the bucket hat. The chosen headwear of dad gardeners for decades. 

8. SIDELINE ANTICS

Memo to the proud parents of the next Cristiano Ronaldo: Your child is not playing for Real Madrid in a Champions League final yet. That under-16s soccer game is not a big deal, and you really don’t need to go mental about every refereeing mistake. Your little superstar just wants you to shut up.

“Geez, talk about an own goal.” 

9. MONEY-BASED FREAKOUTS

I get it now. Money is tight. The cost of living is going up. What sane adult could go on in life without claiming a full refund for that slightly-too-dry chicken from KFC? But as a child, the furious argument between your parent and some poor cashier seemed over-the-top. Excessive. Disproportionate. Exaggerated. And absolutely mortifying.

They’re laughing at you, Angry Dad, not with you.

10. PUBLIC LECTURES

It was your high school awards night. You were all set to strut proudly onto the stage and accept the much-coveted certificate for “Excellence in Food Tech”. But your dear parent, from whose loins you sprouted, decided it was the perfect time to tell you how to clean your teeth properly. Obviously, the lecture couldn’t wait until you got home. Parents invariably prefer to torment you in public.