The Bachelor finale recap: Sam wins, Blake also wins, Lisa loses and Osher hangs around awkwardly in the background

Oh my god, I made a decision finally. 

BLAKE blubbered, prophetic zebras starred and 24’s Jack Bauer made a shock appearance.

All that and more in our recap of the much-anticipated, fiercely promoted Bachelor finale. Read on ...
BLAKE’S FAMILY ARRIVES
Blake is taking Sam and Lisa into the South African wilderness, where no one will be able to hear them scream.
“This is what I’m here for. It’s about finding that woman who is perfect for me,” he says. Yes Blake, it’s all about you. All those hearts you’ve crushed are completely tangential.
The Bachelor hasn’t seen his mum, Andrea, or his aunt, Dee, in months, but they’ve flown over to Africa for the finale. Grandma, meanwhile, has been left at home. Why couldn’t they just do this in Australia? I’m pretty sure the South African version of the show doesn’t film its final episode in Perth.
As Andrea and Dee meet Blake, they admit they’ve been arguing over who will get to hug him first — much like every other female who has appeared in the series.

“My mum is my rock, but she can be a bit of a softie,” Blake says. “Her big sister Dee however, she’s a straight shooter. She’s the one that will have the tough questions.”
Got it. Blake’s aunty is essentially Jack Bauer. These interrogations should be a real hoot.

Blake reckons Sam and Lisa are closer to each other than any of their fellow bachelorettes, which means he’s dating a pair of best friends. Guys get a lot of street cred for that sort of accomplishment in high school, but for a big boy like Blake, it’s pretty awkward.
“Sam, she’s so genuine. She’s got such a big heart, and she can’t hide who she is,” he says.
“Lisa, she’s probably one of the smallest girls in the house, but you’d probably think she’s one of the biggest, because of her personality.”
Blake’s lovely absentee granny has sent him a video message, advising him to pick his partner based on their honesty. You know, instead of their boobs. Gran cries. Blake cries. It’s all very miserable.
LISA MEETS THE FAMILY
“Hiiiiiiiiii!” Lisa yells as she approaches Andrea and Dee, who seem to be pleasantly bemused by her performance.
Of course, no one loves a lame joke more than Lisa (present company excluded), so she begins by claiming she can’t tell Blake and his mum apart. Apparently their eyes are similar. I’m beginning to question whether Lisa has eyes at all.
“She’s got a sense of humour, this one,” Andrea remarks dryly, before pulling Lisa aside for a one-on-one chat.

“I really like your son. When I say really like, I’ve completely fallen for him,” Lisa gushes.
“But do you love him?” Andrea asks, mockingly adopting a deep and foreboding voice. It’s nice to see she’s taking Blake’s future so seriously.
“I do love your son. It’s something that means so much to me, and ... I haven’t told him that I’m in love with him,” Lisa replies.
Andrea tells her to do it, because Blake’s “mind-reading ability” sucks and he won’t figure it out on his own. Ain’t that the truth.

“You seem pretty nice, want to marry me instead?” Source: Channel 10

Dee hears Lisa and Andrea sharing a laugh, and feels some “tough questions” need to be asked, so she interrupts. It’s like we’ve gone all the way back to that cocktail party in the first episode.
I fully expect Dee to handcuff Lisa and carry her to someone’s dark basement for a spot of casual torture, but the “tough” questions turn out to be extremely reasonable. You know, the sort of things any sane person would ask before leaping into a long-term relationship.
For instance, Lisa and Blake live in different cities — how’s that going to work? They’ve never had an argument before — so how do we know they won’t try to murder each other the moment someone drops a salt shaker?
If Lisa has coherent answers, or even interesting answers for that matter, we don’t hear them.

SAM MEETS THE FAMILY
“Don’t be too nervous,” Blake tells Sam before she faces the interrogation squad. So you can guess what happens next.
“When I’m nervous, I can’t hide it. I fumble around, I can’t get my sentences out, I’m just a bit of a mess,” Sam tells the camera.
“I was so nervous and awkward. I was just saying some really weird stuff.”
Actually, she isn’t saying much of anything. The group conversation doesn’t work, because Sam responds to every question with a long, awkward silence, so once again, Andrea decides to go solo.

“Pleeeeaaaase make him love me!!!” Source: Channel 10

“I was quite sceptical at first, before I met Blake. I was like, ‘What if he’s a douchebag?’”
Sam says. Blake’s mum does not laugh at this. I imagine the Queen sports a similar expression on her face whenever she notices a clumsily-folded handkerchief. But Sam persists, bless her heart.
“I told him that I loved him the other day. I was a nervous wreck before I said it.” Why is she using the past tense? She’s still a nervous wreck now.
Sam is also asked about the fact that she and Blake live in different states. Who would she expect to relocate?
“I dunno, like, we just said we’re gonna have to have that conversation. And we’ll figure it out,” she says. Whoa. Impressive answer.
Dee — who has, by now, started openly referring to herself as the “bad cop” — strolls over menacingly ... and asks about babies. Sam smacks that softball question out of the park.
Ultimately, the whole exercise turns out to be a colossal waste of time. Blake’s mum and aunt tell him they like both girls equally.
“ ... I was hoping for just a little bit more clarity,” Blake says. Granted, that complaint is a bit rich, coming from the king of agonising, indecisive pauses.

“What do you mean, the wine’s poisoned?”

LISA’S DATE
Blake takes Lisa for a hot-air balloon ride above the Pilanesberg Game Reserve, which is full of exotic creatures like elephants, zebras and Bigfoot. I mean, we don’t see Bigfoot up close, but there was a suspicious black smudge on my TV screen at one point, and I can’t think of any other plausible explanation.
Anyway, back to the hot air balloon, which is presumably powered by all the hot air that comes out of Blake’s mouth. Lisa peers over the edge of the basket with a pair of binoculars.
“Oh wow,” she says, with all the enthusiasm of an exhausted mother critiquing her child’s gazillionth stick-figure drawing.

“You’re so full of hot air.” 

Lisa quickly loses interest in the scenery. She’s more interested in praising Blake, which is something that really differentiates her from his other followers. I mean, girlfriends.
“It’s hard to meet someone like you. I think that you don’t give yourself as much credit as you should,” Lisa says, because obviously the one thing this guy needs is to have his ego stroked even more.
When the balloon lands, they enjoy a picnic deep in the wilderness. Hopefully there are no hungry lions prowling nearby.
“Every time that I’ve seen you I’ve just got butterflies. And I feel so happy to be around you and I love how you make me feel,” she says. “It’s not the extravagant dates, it’s you.”
Of course, the extravagant dates help. They just stepped out of a freaking hot air balloon. Regardless, Lisa is finally ready to use the “L” word.
“It’s been a long time coming that I’ve wanted to tell you this, and I’ve told you that I’m falling for you, but I’m absolutely 100 per cent, like, I’m in love with you,” she says.
They share a celebratory pash, as Blake mumbles something completely unintelligible. He’ll need to enunciate better than that if he’s to pursue a post-Bachelor career in radio, as so many former reality TV stars do.

“Hey look honey, a hungry lion! Shall we go say hi?

SAM’S DATE
Blake is taking Sam on safari, which means for the second date in a row, she is forced to wake up before the sun rises. A word of advice, Sam: If you like to sleep in on weekends, run. Run like the fierce South African wind.
“I have something incredible planned for today,” Blake says. It’s very similar to his date with Lisa, except they’re travelling in a jeep instead of a hot-air balloon.
They spot three zebras, two of whom are “hugging”, while a third is walking around by itself. That seems rather prescient.

“Go away, loser. The Zebra Bachelor finale is already over

Eventually, Sam and Blake stop to eat, but he’s put a bunch of useless, inedible flowers in their picnic basket. Later, as they watch some Africans dance — an idea he definitely didn’t recycle from that last date with Louise — Sam tries one final, desperate attempt at flattery.
“You are so incredible. I’ve said it a thousand times before, but I’m just so thankful. You’ve made me grow as a person and I am so appreciative,” she tells Blake, before moving over to sit on his lap.
“I think one of the most difficult things about this is the crazy emotions,” she says, proceeding to prove her own point by crying. “I don’t want to share you anymore, and I just want you all to myself.”

“ ... to get to the other side! HA! How hilarious!”

DECISION 2014
Before Blake makes his final decision, he has to strip one last time. You do know he used to be a stripper, right?
Having removed his indecently tight shirt, the Bachelor sits with his feet in a pool and the sun baking his pecs, contemplating ... something. World peace, perhaps.
“It tears me up inside that I’m going to have to say goodbye to one amazing woman, and the only reason I can give her is that I have a stronger love for someone else,” he says. Oh. It was romance then. Talk about a one track mind.

“Hey ladies. Check out my blurry TV screenshot biceps.” Source: Channel 10

Some phallic South African columns bow before Blake’s majesty. 

The SHOCKING proposal we’ve heard so much about is going to happen in the middle of a barren plain, which must represent the equally barren future lying ahead of whichever poor soul is denied the chance to spend the rest of her life with this god among men.
Blake is flanked by two rather ornate, slightly bent pillars. See? Even the local landmarks are bowing before his majesty.
Lisa is the first bachelorette to arrive. Blake gives her an encouraging smile, then breaks her heart into tiny pieces on national television.
“I came here looking for a big, big love. And Lisa, I have so much love for you. So much love. But I’m in love with someone else,” he says.
She can only whisper back: “I wish you all the best. It’s been so much fun. It’s OK. It’s fine.”
Blake cries straight away. Lisa doesn’t. She’s clearly made of tougher stuff.

“I’m the real victim here, guys.”

His conversation with Sam is much less awkward, for obvious reasons, but it isn’t nearly as SHOCKING as we were led to believe.
“I came into this experience looking for someone special,” Blake says.
“I’ve felt a lot of love on this journey, but I’ve only been in love with one person. And Sam, that person is you. I love you Sam.
“I only have one final question for you. Samantha Frost, will you marry me?”
“100 per cent,” she replies, a huge smile on her face. 100 per cent? What sort of answer is that? A simple “yes” would have sufficed. Nobody has ever said, “Yes, I’ll 80 per cent marry you”. Urgh. Can we call back Lisa? Surely there’s still time for Blake to change his mind.

“Sam ... will you put up with me for even longer?” 

So, to summarise: Sam won, Blake also won, Lisa lost and Osher sort of hung around awkwardly in the background. We were promised an unspeakably dramatic climax, and instead we got happily ever after. How dreadfully wonderful.