Portraying Love In The Family

Giving of self is the essence of love, which is self-sacrifice. A fundamental requirement of a good marriage is a willingness to give of ourselves for the good of others.

The decision to act properly and lovingly toward our spouse should not depend on how our spouse acts, let alone how a mood hits us. We must choose to give of ourselves, because it is good for others and pleasing to God.

This is fundamental to being unselfish. The selfish person doesn't want to give in or sacrifice. They want to please themselves.
Giving and self-sacrifice is especially essential in solving conflict. The fundamental lesson of Christ's love is to give up our own desires for the good of others, even when they are not acting the way we think they should.


In time of conflict, we say, "I'll do right or improve if he/she will too." If an act is beneficial for others, love requires us to do it regardless of what they are doing. If we have been wrong, love requires us to admit it, regardless of whether or not they have admitted their errors.

Even if we are convinced our spouse has caused a problem, we should ask ourselves honestly what we can do to help improve it. This does not mean ignoring sin. Jesus did not cause our sin problem, and He did not compromise with sin. What He did was sacrifice Himself to provide a solution to the problem we caused. He did not just criticize our sin; He became involved to provide a solution. He did not do everything for us, but He made sure we had a way whereby we could overcome the problem.

A spouse may think, "He/she caused this problem, so let him/her solve it." Even if that is true, is it helpful? Instead think, "What can I offer to do - how can I become involved - so as to help resolve this problem?" Instead of saying, "Why don't you do this?" say, "Why don't you and I work on this together? What can I do to help?"

As long as neither spouse will take the first step toward a good marriage, the marriage can never be good. Each one must be committed to a good marriage. This requires us to give in at times where we wish we did not have to (assuming we do not sin). Each must be willing to sacrifice and give of themselves for the good of the marriage.1 John 4:9,19; Acts 20:35; Luke 10:25-37

To Improve Your Marriage, Start With Improving Yourself
If you are not married: Make up your mind to marry only a person who will follow the Bible’s teaching about marriage. And then work to become the kind of person who will attract the kind of person you want to marry!

If you are a half-hearted Christian, halfheartedly involved in the church, practicing personal habits that are immoral or doubtful, do not expect to attract a faithful, dedicated Christian to marry! A dedicated Christian does not seek to marry a half-hearted Christian. To attract a faithful, dedicated Christian, you must be a faithful, dedicated Christian.

Likewise, if you have attitudes and habits that would hinder a good marriage, start now to change to become the kind of person who can work for a good marriage.

Likewise, if you are married: If you are having problems in your marriage, do not expect your spouse to solve the problem. Begin by examining yourself! Most marriage problems result from faults on the part of both parties. Rarely is one person alone the whole cause of the problem.

1 Peter 3:1,2 - You cannot control what your spouse does. You can only control what you do. If you become what you should be, you will set the example to help your spouse become what he/she should be. Do not wait for them to change. Start doing all God says you should do and you will have the best chance you can have for a good marriage.

Begin now to study the Bible’s teaching about the home, then conform your thoughts, words, and deed to that teaching. Become a faithful Christian and become the kind of person you need to be to have a Biblical marriage.

 Learn To Love By Thinking, Speaking, And Acting For The Wellbeing Of The Other Person
How do you put love into a marriage where it is lacking? Instead of thinking first and foremost about what you want, act for their good and the good of your relationship. You choose to do what is best for the other person! That is Biblical love.

The key to putting love into marriage and keeping it in marriage is to do and keep doing the things that led you to love one another to begin with!

The reason couples stop loving one another is that they stop doing the things that led them to love one another!

How Do Couples Learn To Love In The First Place?
Consider: What did you do that led you to decide that you loved one another and wanted to get married? We know how to put love into a relationship. We did it before we were married. We act a certain way to nourish love before marriage, then we get married and quit doing those things! If you want more love in your marriage now, go back and do the same things again!

Couples Learn To Love By Saying And Doing Things To Please The Other Person
Before marriage, the young man sends the girl gifts, cards. After marriage, he stops.

Before marriage, the young lady chooses her clothes, her perfume, her hair style deliberately to please him. After marriage, she says, "All my lady friends think this looks good on me. If he doesn't like it, something's wrong with him." Is that the way you thought before marriage?

Before marriage, you took the time to listen to her/him. After marriage, you don't have time.

Before marriage, did you show politeness and respect: hold the door for her, let her go first, say "please" and "thank you"? Do you do those things now?

Before marriage, did you compliment her hair, her dress? Did you use expressions of affection? Why not now?

Before marriage, you remembered her birthday and other special days. What about now?

Before marriage, you went places and did things together. What about after marriage?

We know what cultivates love in a relationship. Why, after marriage, do we become brain dead? Go back and act the way you acted that led you into love. Don't wait for feelings or a special mood to strike you. Make a deliberate choice to do these things - love is a commitment.

Couples Learn To Love By Taking Time To Be Together
Many times I have heard older couples say, "To keep love in a marriage you need to keep dating one another." For years that made little sense to me. Finally, I realized the point was that you make appointments to spend time visiting together and doing things to please the other person. That's how you learned to love, and that is how you stay in love!

Make an appointment once a week (at least once a month) to spend time primarily visiting with your spouse. And take a few days to get away doing things together, talking, visiting, and just focusing on one another like a vacation with your wife.

We lose love, because we stop doing the things that produced love to begin with!

Many couples have excuses why they don't do these things.

* "We Don't Have Time"
Did you have time before marriage? Why did you have time then, but not now? The answer is: You made the time, because it was important to you to be with her/him.
You have time to watch TV or talk on the phone with friends or read a book, etc. for 2-3 hours a week. But you can't spend that time with your spouse instead? What does that say?
Find someone to take the kids for an evening, trade babysitting with friends.
Make an appointment and don't break it except for absolute emergencies. If someone wants you to do something else say, "We have an appointment that evening."

* "We Can't Afford It"
You can't afford not to. Your marriage needs love. You must pay the price.
You don't have to spend a lot of money. Go for a walk in the park or the mall.
What did you do and where did you go before you got married. Go there and do it again!
The point is to spend time together.

* "We Don't Enjoy The Same Things"
She likes to shop, he can't stand to shop. He likes ball games, she can't stand ball games, etc.
What did you do before you got married? You found things to do then! Do them again.

Then, you did not insist that your spouse do what you want. You did things she/he wants. Did you go shopping with her then? Do you go to ballgames with him then? Why not now?

The point is: If the object is to please the other person, to strengthen your relationship, and to show the other person you care, you find something to do and a way to do it, just like you did before you got married. Forget the excuses. You've already proved you can do it. Do it again. Your marriage needs love. You have a command of God to put it in. Do what you did that led you to love to begin with.